


Please, please give me a new life

by LadyShigeko



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack Fiction, Humor, Klingon, M/M, Planet of the Ape, finder ceeps em, typos are wanted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 07:35:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13736193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyShigeko/pseuds/LadyShigeko
Summary: or I’m gonna die. The daft life of Harry Potter or is it just his pseudonym??? dam dam daa.This FF is for all those of you, that just can’t read another Harry-Potter-FF in which Harry is a mental and bodily mess, who's relatives beat him up all the time, Dumbledore is THE EVEL and Voldemort is the nice flower girl…This is my answer, after finally being fed up on this after reading such nonsense one to many times…don't like, don't read





	Please, please give me a new life

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Bitte, bitte gib mir ein neues Leben](https://archiveofourown.org/works/790678) by [LadyShigeko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyShigeko/pseuds/LadyShigeko). 



> I do not own Harry Potter, Klingons or Planet of the Ape, Yu-Gi-Oh, or Batman and Dr Who. Neither do I own the Walter Mores quotes nor Tolkins words. (bee bread if you can you spot them?)
> 
>  
> 
> Kudos for shiNIN, who inspired me to make this fanfiction better. I’m open for suggestions anytime   
> and now, enjoy!

And here the story starts. 

Harry was a mess, only a shadow of his-self. And why you may ask? Because of the Dursleys! They raised him from an early age on with love and a gentle hand, his favorite foods, he always wore the latest fashion (I just say baggy style, hello 90s). The Dursleys always encouraged and supported him in his education. Heck, they coddled him; you could say, that they almost smothered him with love and affection. 

Well, they made him into the child he was today.   
A 100 per cent healthy and ordinary boy, who was as dull as ditchwater!!!  
Well, as far as you can say that about Harry Potter (but he was not a Potter, which he would soon find out… ba ba ba…)

It was after his fourthzillioned year (of course I mean his year in Hogwarts, the whole magical calendar is based on Harrys school years, for example 5 years BH (before Harry) means the year 1985, in which Harry started muggle primary school) (ever wonder how all children attending Hogwarts know how to read and write and do math, if there is no magical primary school and why there is no primary school for muggle raised children? Because not everyone has the means for a private tutor. Idk! Please let me know, if you do have any info’s regarding that issue) and it was summer, he was alone and no one cared, besides the Dursleys of course.   
So, where were we? Right! Emo Harry somehow managed to ditch his guardians and watchdogs, I mean his chaperons of course, form the order of the flaming flamingo, to hitch a ride to central London to reach Diagon Ally. 

Once there he hides his scar behind a bandana and ditched his glasses to blend in with the crowd and go unnoticed. Effortlessly and undisturbed he reaches Gringotts in his disguise. He only could have bean more effective if had hidden under his invisible cloak. At the door the unknown child in oversized, dirty and ripped muggle clothes greats the guard goblins politely. They seam shocked! Not because everyone else is dressed in proper magical robes and cloaks, but because he is polite. 

Harry reaches the first free desk and askes the goblin there, if he could withdraw money. The goblin (Stabbins) says, that he is just in time for his appointment, regarding his in heritage and vault management. And that he is happy that Harry managed to make it, although he never responded to their invitations or their monthly updates regarding his bazillion accounts, properties or company, so Harry must really trust the Goblins and be happy how the goblin nation handles his affairs. Stabbins escorted Harry during this explanation to the office of his account manager, Greedy. Greedy is a ugly little thing but Harry likes him anyway. 

Greedy gives him an overall summary of his situation and dumb Harry gets the gist of it and after many tears and self-doubts believes the goblin. Greedy is appalled how thick and ignorant Harry is concerning his standing in the wizard world and his past, so the manager of the bank is called in, who doubles also as king of the goblin nation. 

The infamous and fearsome Buttercup who conquered the drowned city of Neverwhere.   
He is posh and 100 per cent British in his dashing tuxedo with his manly goatee and monocle. Legend says, he was raised by deadly assassins and ninjas, that were deadly.   
He conquered the hidden city, that was never conquered since it was founded in 1980 single handily in 1981. Then he brewed a pot of tea and complained about the blood stains at his favorite tuxedo in a bored, posh British accent (the kind of accent that if were to talk about rainbows and unicorns, someone would call the aurors in suspicion that you wanted to slaughter and eat babies and take over the world. It did not help, that his voice sounded as if the voice of a Dementor (if Dementors had voices), a heavy smoker and drinker and Mark Hamill aka the Joker, had a child. In short, Harry loved him and wanted to propose then and there.   
Needless to say, that Buttercup was flattered but declined Harrys advances. Harrys mind gets blown during the following 66 hours, which it took to go trough all his accounts, lordships, estates and properties, his lands and companies. Stabbins bought shares of muggle and wiz-ard companies alike in his name. For example, Starbucks.   
He also undergoes many painful and illegal magical tests and rituals, to determine his true identity. (His full name, his age, his hair color, how many children he would carry, because Harry was powerful and mpregs were a thing for powerful wizards, who his parents were, his soulmate, familiars, show size, health, favorite food and last but not least all families of which he was the Lord and/or sole heir he was) All compulsions and magical blocks and bindings were listed and removed.   
He learned about his heritage and the true prophecy, that the goblins found in written in hi-eroglyphs in Egypt in the secret grave of the ancient pharaoh/mightiest magic of all times that was erased from all records so time will forget him and his name, excluding his grave of course.   
// begin of useless flashback//   
This Pharaoh did the unspeakable, that’s why he was erased from history and gruesomely murder in a coup planed from his heir, his second wife, his advisers and his high priests and the military leaders of curse.   
The Pharaoh split his soul in 7 well 8 pieces and stored 7 of them in magical millennium items.   
A round puzzle (contains the main soul, enables to call forth and control the mighty unicorn army and grants the one who solves it intelligence and the power of light), the ear not an eye (hears everything, hears into a person and reveals their secret, deepest darkness thoughts and desires, seals souls into objects), the bracelet not a ring (allows the owner to find whatever he seeks, acting like a compass, seals souls into objects), the scale (finds out how much darkness is in a person's heart) the key (Enters a person's mind, allows the wielder to „re-decorate“ the soul to make anyone their puppet) the stick, not a rod (for mind control, allows to seal only the soul of Egypt’s into items) and the cocker, not a necklace (sees into the past and future).   
The Pharaoh, who must not be named, was kill, well his body. The high priest cursed him, so his spirit must roam the graves in the valley of the kings, till the end of time.   
The prophecy was written in ancient Egypt that only the high priests of old could fully un-derstand and so words themselves were lost, but the meaning remained. First as a story dur-ing dark times, that somewhen in the future a savior would be born, that would unite all magical creatures and all of wizard kind, no matter what their affinity for magic was, dark, light, grey or natural. Back then, this knowledge became history, that was remembered by the high priests. As Rome conquered Egypt, but not Cleopatra for she died like she had lived, a worthy queen, history became legend. As the Roman gods slowly took over the Egypt gods and the priests started to dwindle, temples began to crumble and fall, Legend became myth. A myth whispered around fires, in halls of stone between comrades, when remembering the great times of old. And later still a mere story for small children to lull them to sleep. For much that once was is lost. For none now live who remember it. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. For five thousand years. The Dif-ference between dark and light, creature and wizard crept into the minds of the magical pop-ulation, forgotten was, that darkness did not equal bad and light did not equal good. Those who hunt monsters have to take care not to turn into monsters themselves. Rumors grew of a dark lord rising in Germany, with ancient goals (that sadly were not any longer up do date and would mean the end of magic what would destroy the planet either, because magic was one of the powers to ensure the balance to keep the planet spinning or, because in order to kill magic, you had to destroy the earth, make it uninhabitable; intended or unintended. Whispers of this folly reached the British main land. And the ears of a wizard. A lord of the light. Albus Dumbledore. For the time will soon come when the chosen one will come into the world and shatter and burn it. From the ashes he will birth the magical society again, raised in unicity and equality.   
// end of useless flashback//  
Because of Harrys current mental condition, he joined Voldemorts forces. Or Tom but he was the only one who was aloud to say this name, besides his death eaters and the entire dark community of course. Because in truth Tom stands just for equality of all dark magic users; wizards, witches and creatures alike.   
His methods are abso-fucking-lutely not questionable, because he would totally never ever kill innocents and if you hear anything different, that’s just Dumbledore slandering and defaming his good name. Believe it!

You do not hurt children (Dumbi, even for the greater good no matter if you know believe what you are doing is the right thing to do), because they are the future. And it was a total crime do to so, it was frowned up an and despicable and was really really heavily punished in the magical community. And that’s why Dumbledore was evil because he was insane and megalomaniac and Tom was the best, loveliest dark lord of all times. But in truth the evil dark lord was Dumbledore. (The master chess player, that played with human lives. Even if he played himself in the end, prophecies tended to fulfill themselves. Does not matter if you play with faith, make up your own prophecies and set the board like YOU think it should be end, played with your rules. Destiny is self-fulfilling. It always finds its way. No matter if you know it and act accordingly or try with all your mind to change it. Some things can not be changed. Or you fulfill it, without knowing. Result is the same, silly old Man.)

And anyway, Tom was a nice caring person, ok he was a vampire and his father was not in fact the muggle Tom Riddle, but actually Salazar Slytherin himself… and the other father was Godric Gryffindor an elf-demon-mix. 

This did not mean that Tom hated all muggles, mudbloods and halfbloods. If he would kill them all, the magic population would die out. Just all white magics and all those, that stood behind Dumbledore had to die. 

Speaking of, Harry is not a real Potter. He was the son of Severus, Lucius and Sirius. They were a triad and Draco thus his brother. Harry was robbed from his cradle form Dumbledore and placed with the Potters, who lost their child before he was even born, but that was a secret that died with them and Dumbledore. (Except blood does not lie, old goblin saying) 

In fact, Harry revered Severus from the first moment on. He liked Severus, although he did not show this. He generally played the dumb on during classes, but homework and test wise he was top of the class…The bond between parent and child is strong. 

Severus loved him too. He only pretended like he could not stand the mere thought of Harry, because if not, he had to justify his actions before Dumbi. Dumbles had ordered him to treat the boy like the worst scum on earth even worse than a rabid mongrel, so what could he do? (Albus was just a foolish old man who thought he did good, all for the greater good, right Gellert? The idea was born true and pure, but soon turned into a nightmare.)

Well, the love of a parent, what can I say. The same goes for Lucius, he played his role. And Sirius was not himself anymore, because Dumbi messed with his head. Sirius was to weak after the birth to resist much and after Azkaban, it was a long and hard way to folly recover from that all. 

By the way, Harrys parents were magical creatures… how could it be otherwise!  
Which made him to equal parts elven, vampire and demon. 

This caused, as you can imagine, difficulty for his transformation as his three heritages awaked in him and don’t get me started on his search for his soulmate ….

This soulmate was a man, of course and on top of that had to be Tom, of all people, but that did not matter. (The age gape was laughable for example)

What did matter though was that he had simply switched sides and now it was difficult for him to acclimate from the treatment the Dursleys bestowed upon him, to how the nice death eaters treaded him. 

Given, Bellatrix was truly evil and Tom punished her for this, but all in all they were a nice and merry bunch, the lot of them, that treaded him fairly and nice.   
Barty was ok, he loathed Wormtail. Rabastan and Rodolphus were fun and reminded him of Gred und Forge. Nott and Rockwood were interesting and in Fenrir he found some kindred misunderstood soul. The Carrows were creepy. He could not stand Sanguini the Vampire dude, but Vlad III. Drăculea, Tepes (=the Impaler), he found fascinating, because he appealed to Harrys dark stream, impaling people and such. Vlad also told the best of stories. Especially if he told tales of “his youth”, like how he once chose a girl out of a group of gypsies’, grilled her and forced the other 20 people to eat her. Or how mother had to eat their children and men had to eat their wife’s bust.

But his absolute favorite was Walden McNair. 

Of course, Tom was especially nice to him, being the nice flower girl from next door down, that he secretly was. 

Only the war against Dumbledore was terrible. The old gout bag was not so easily dealt with. 

But Harry, or Alexander Damian Jack Malfoy-Black-Snape, returned to Hogwarts although to Slytherin. He was the only on in all of History to try the sorting hat twice. Hats off!

He also found out, that all his so-called friends were back stabbing traitors that only befriended him because of his fame and because they got paid from his money… 

Sad thing, but not all played a duplicity game with him; indeed, the Weasley twins were on his side, and Luna. (It’s Luna, come on!) and the pets that he acquired way back in Diagon Ally. 

// begin of another useless flashback//

Harry, now Alexander Damien Jack Malfoy-Black-Snape left Gringotts to buy a shitload of useless stuff, like proper clothes, toiletries, a new wand (his old one was rubbish and not his true wand; he needed a new on that was soooo much better), a trunk that was smaller on the outside xD (# shiNIN for you) in the size of a small castle, like versatile and three pets, additional to Hedwig and Snaky, his pet basilics that did in fact not die in the chamber of secrets but became Harrys mentor, like Kilgharrah for Merlin. He bought a rare deadly with snake, heir of Slytherin and all, which he calls Blacky. Then he bought an also rare magical tiger, because he could, which he then named kitty cat. He also bought a toad named Richard, Dick for short, because Harry found it bold.

// end of other useless flashback, I totally could have written this earlier but every good FF has at least 3 flashbacks! I know there are just 2! I don’t care!//

// fast flash forward, for however many years//

On his 16 birthday he and Tom finally tied the knot. During this night Harry conceived twins, a boy and a girl. They aggravated his life additionally under Dumbles thump. But whatever… He again returned to Hogwarts with a new name: Alexander Damian Jack Malfoy-Black-Snape-RIDDLE. He was proud of his name that’s why he insisted on a double (quarter?) name! Well, legal were only two but he was the freaking boy who lived. Ok, maybe the prophecy that first comes to mind regarding Harry was bull, but people believed, that they wanted to believe. Right?

Harry continuedly got caught up with his friends in typical teen angst and embarrassing and predictable problems, because he was to dumb. He managed to conquer Dumbledore non-the less, despite the many evil pots of the old lying hag and his order of the flaming flamingo. Like trying to make Harry addicted to sweets, for whatever reason. Or the marriage plot, so Albus could dictate through the new Ms Potter how the savior should remodel society and how to break it down in the first place. 

Since Dumbledore and his followers were gruesomely executed, Tom became minister of magic and all lived in peace and harmony.

Because Tom and Harry were both immortal they lived on till the end of the world. 

Together with their 13 children, which they all loved dearly, they were one big happy family of demon-vampire-elves that ruled the magical world, because the parents of Harry and Tom were kings of their kind which in turn made them all princes of the known world.

And so, they lived on happily ever after till the end of the world, as the ozonosphere dissolved and the earth exploded because of the 16. World war with the mars colonies which fired an atom bomb with nuclear warhead and naquader*. And then the earth fell into the sun and the Klingones won. 

And then came the apes…

And this is where the story ends.

The end

**Author's Note:**

> *see Stargate command SG-1
> 
> Feel free to leave a commend behind, or not ;)  
> kudos are always appreciated^^
> 
> But for all of you, that have stayed with me during my long long way through this FF, all the ups and downs, when my tea mug was empty, my snacks run out, my fingers started to cramp and my eyes started to hurt in the dead of night (3 'o clock), yeah, those of you who stayed till here, the bitter end, you, that believed in me this whole time that I could see this epic fanfiction trough, my dear readers, I’d like to say thank you.  
> I have cookies for you^^ for those that do not want cookies, I have also lemon drops^^
> 
> Arrivederci and Servus, we will read us again, I hope and if not, I will read you ^^


End file.
